At my thinnest I was running 100+ miles a week. I was fainting because I wasn't eating enough. I was socially isolated because I had to eat different than my peers (especially in college). I was the thin. I ate bagels and doughnuts and all I did was run and lift. I had so much empty space on my calendar during college that's all I did. I'd spend 3-4 hours a day running and in the gym. I'd go back to my apartment, eat, shower, and go to bed.

I had no confidence. I was just trying to fit in.

I can't believe it's been almost a month of this new lifestyle. It has definitely been a journey. Never in my life did I think I'd be scouring the aisles for vegan cheese options or dairy free milk alternatives, but here I am.

One of the biggest things I knew I didn't want to have to give up was living life while trying to heal my body. I know that with enough planning and advanced prep (even though I know I don't want to do it sometimes) I can do the things I love and not feel isolated or alone because I can't eat anything provided. I also need to get over the stigma of bringing food for myself to eat.

Last weekend I went on a girls weekend camping to see a concert I've waited over two years for so I knew I wasn't going to miss it.

Breakfasts are hard, so I have been rotating sausage patties and sweet potato hash with a nut milk from the Goodery. Both keep me full for a long period of time which I love. I just miss the sweet part of breakfast and eggs. I really miss eggs.

This protocol isn’t easy and I am definitely bending a few of the rules to make it fit my lifestyle and it still isn’t easy.

I have completely eliminated grains and dairy. I MISS CHEESE SO MUCH! But I already feel a difference and I know as I continue on the journey it’ll get easier. I will post the recipes I use each week in hopes that you will find some inspiration and try something new!

Here’s what I ate Week 1-

I had no idea what this was until a few days ago. As I sit and write this post I feel so overwhelmed at the thought of starting this process. It’s daunting, but it’s something that I can control about this process. So much of this is so new and the more I read and learn the more I think I have had this for a lot longer than originally thought and I wish I would’ve been diagnosed sooner.

The next couple of weekends were supposed to be spent up north this weekend with friends and next weekend just the two of us to have a weekend away before we get sucked into the craziness of our summertime schedules. Well COVID-19 had other plans for us.

I would much prefer to have had a day off and spend it gallivanting through the woods with friends and trying on bridesmaid dresses, but unfortunately that isn’t my reality right now. My reality while writing this post is looking at two very empty weekends on my calendar pretending it doesn’t make me want to cry.

Having anxiety sucks and not being around people whilst you have anxiety can sometimes make things 100x worse. I like to be out and doing things and that’s when I thrive is when I’m busy. The more time I have to sit around and ponder all of the things going on in my brain the worse I get mentally.

So...here’s my game plan for the weekend and I am hoping I have pictures to share about each item as the weekend plays out!

We committed this year to work on dedicating more time to our relationship and this was our first "official" date of 2021!

I broke down this week. I felt like I was not being appreciated or quite honestly even seen. It wears on you after a while. It’s an all too familiar feeling of numbness which brings back tidal waves on emotion in and of itself from past trauma. There’s beauty in being vulnerable, but there is also immense pain. The kind of pain you don’t really know how to put into words. Your heart is numb.

For the last two years I have lived in fear.

Fear that I will be "found". I am finally in a good place and I would stop at nothing to keep that.

Fear that I will never feel good enough to be happy.

Fear that I am a product of my experience and I can't change that.

Fear that I will be left because I am inadequate.

Fear that I am unworthy.

I came upon this on Instagram a few weeks ago and it has just been swirling around in my mind. I have done so much soul searching these last couple of years. I have grown so much in my emotion, power, strength, self-image. I know who I am. I know what I believe about the world around me and about myself.

It's a true sign you find a workout routine that you like when you ask for additional dumbbells and bands for Christmas. And a more true sign when you are ecstatic to get them!

I have tried it all. Swimming, Crossfit, Running, Walking, Hiking, F45, Personal Trainers, and my newest obsession is Sydney Cummings fitness routines. She is a young (probably my age) trainer who posts daily workouts on her Youtube channel at 5am east cost time, so by the time us 5am'ers wake up here in Minnesota the workout is ready to go.

I am a strong believer in manifesting goals to make them reality. I've made vision boards for years, but for some reason creating this one felt different. I am going to walk you through my process in how I created my board. Where it is in my home, and how I use it!

Let's go!

I have never in my life done a cleanse. I was always terrified of the underlying ingredients that a lot of the cleanses have hidden in their processes. I also wasn't a fan of the idea that I was not allowed to eat anything else for an extended period of time.

As a sufferer of chronic migraines I knew not eating wasn't an option because lack of nutrition or water often triggers headaches. When my friend Melissa told me that she and her friend Erin were starting a natural juice company I knew that this would be the way for me to give it a try. I trusted their process, selection of clean ingredients, transparency, use of only whole foods, knowledge, locally produced, and small (female) owned business. Need I say more?

What a weekend! Do you ever have one of those weekends and it just feels good. It makes your heart so happy and full? I am ready to shout it from the rooftops that I had one of those weekends this past weekend and it was way overdue.

I remember as a kid my mom used to get together with friends before Christmas and they would make tons and tons of cookies to make trays to give to neighbors. So a few weeks ago I messaged Kenz and Brooke and proposed the idea. It didn't take much convincing to get them to be in! Brooke made the trek down and we had ourselves a great weekend full of sugar.

We are all stressed right now, that's no secret. We are dealing with financial stress, job stress, relationship stress, then we add COVID stress. It sucks.

It was recently recommended to me that I investigate more about the stress cycle and how to successfully complete it before adding additional stress. (cough work cough)

What is the stress cycle and how to complete it?

With the election, COVID, and everyday life social media can be suffocating. I know it definitely has been toxic for me and my own mental health.

I created a quick list of alternatives to scrolling that you should try! I am not asking you to do a full on social detox, just to get off your phone for 5-10 minutes and try something different.

I have spent more time crying in the last three days then I have in a long time. You see, Thanksgiving was always my favorite. I love spending time with my insanely large and obnoxious family. I love the chaos and the tag in the aisles of the market. The smell of mushrooms and onions cooking in an obscene amount of butter, sausage links, and fresh raspberry danishes. I fricken love it. Two years ago Thanksgiving became my least favorite day because of someone I let into my life. It sucks. I am reminded everyday of the choices I made and the journey it has been to get back to being okay. I say it all the time, but trauma fucking sucks. It never lets you go. It's the elephant on your chest when you pass a stupid exit sign where you got left multiple times to fend for yourself. It's the Facebook memories of supposed great times that were tainted by harassment. It's time alone that you can't catch your breath because something triggered you. It's hard. I don't have a magic answer on how to fix it, but I try like hell to normalize the suck, because I didn't know when I was going through the thick of it that it was happening to anyone else and I felt alone. I refuse to let anyone else feel alone in the struggle.