In case you haven't heard yet, we are now puppy parents. Yeah, it was only supposed to be one, but SURPRISE, now it's two.

After Tulsa died we had made a pact that we'd give it a year before we got a puppy. Well Chad made it almost a year before we got a big surprise. He'd been on the hunt for the last few months for a Catahoula Leopard Pup. He found a breeder near where he was going on a hunting trip in Missouri. With the unpredictability of weather seasons changed early and the window for hunting got cut short....so we had to go on a 20+ hour road trip to pick up puppy. A friend of Chad's also wanted one, so we brought back two! To make a very convoluted long story short his friend backed out and we kind of fell in love with both, so meet Ranger and River.

Today this popped up on my timeline. It was a good night. I should be happy right?

Instead this was a sucker punch to the gut. A solid reminder of how far I’ve come in the last couple of years. This sold out concert of one of my favorite bands was tainted at the time by a boyfriend that I had attempted to break up with a few days prior incessantly blowing up my phone because he didn’t want to be without me….My entire night was long trips to the bathroom to shed some tears because I didn’t know what to do. I felt smothered. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t enjoy my night because I was texting HIM! Because if I didn't respond instantly there were five more texts hounding me for a response. The anxiety I didn't know I even had was at a max and my threshold only grew over the coming months which is truly so terrifying to think about now.

There’s a picture floating around the instagram world.

If I were to tell you that at 26 you would be happy. The 23 year old you wanted to give up. Yep, that was me.

You knew at 5 that you were going to be a teacher and if I could tell you now, it’d be to grow into the self you WANT to be. Absorb everything. Listen, follow your gut, learn, read the books, stay in on nights you want to be, party til 4am with your friends when the night feels right. Your job is truly the least important part of your life and remember that. It’s important for the 8-4 you’re there, but it shouldn’t be your reason to live. That’s not living.

I hope that you too have a special place. Where you know exactly how many miles as each exit sign passes. A place where the exit off the interstate gives you goosebumps. Where you can still walk down Minnesota Street and see the same friendly faces from years prior. Where the smell of stale cigarette smoke floats through the bar and it brings you back to nights of warm Jameson and more awkward dance parties than you could ever truly put a number too.

I was once told by an acquaintance that I shouldn’t share the struggle. That it should be hidden because “you’re not the only one dealing with it”. Well, it’s my life and I am going to share it. I had to decide what to do with the trauma of an incredibly difficult relationship. I could’ve swallowed it and lived it and I honestly don’t know where I’d be today, but I can tell you that it wouldn’t be good. I wouldn’t be the woman I am today. Sharing my story is not to receive a pity party. That was never my intention and never will be.

Thankful. Grateful. Blessed. 

These last few weeks have been tough.  My mom has been sick, my work has been exhausting, and I was drowning. 

We had a trip planned for the last couple of months and we almost cancelled with everything going on, but I am beyond glad we didn’t.  We went on a Motorcycle trip to Wabasha and had a wonderful time.  The chilled to the bone rides, hairpin turns, beautiful views, and comfort food. It made it all worth it. 

The last couple of months have been more eye opening than one could ever image. There have been a multitude of changes and to be completely honest I once again got down into the hard part of life. I got a new job that enlightened me to just how negative my last job had made me. I love the work that I did and still do, but at my last job I would come home so defeated and exhausted that I would be a zombie. It was affecting my relationships, my health, and my happiness. Chad would tell me that I was “crabby” all the time, but I didn’t believe him. I thought that I was just tired. Well… it was so much more than that.

I have been spending the last few months doing everything in my power to find myself. Distance myself from the blog and social media (which I love) and really search my heart and soul for some sort of pathway. Some sort of light to guide me to where I am supposed to be.

This trip was long overdue. We were supposed to go to Two Harbors in April, but COVID had other plans. We were so glad to make the best of it this weekend. Just about every single one of the plans that we had for the weekend got completely derailed, but I kind of wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

Here's what we did and where we would definitely suggest you check out if you are in the area!

You all know I am a die hard supporter of small businesses, especially when they are local. I recently stopped into ModernRoots on Main Street in downtown Stillwater and I loved what I found.

Here are a couple of my favorites-

I am not ready to share all that has been going on in my life or why I may be a bit more distant on the blog for the next few weeks, but I will share the story when the time is right.

I am a writer, it’s no secret. I contemplated giving up this outlet. I really did. I took a few days and decided that I really can’t. This is my outlet. This is how I share my story until I have a new platform to speak and share. I share. I am an educator. I am wired to write, and speak, and network and it’s in my DNA. This is it and I love it and how it makes me feel which means that I am not giving it up.

“I’ve been struggling...I’ve had thoughts of self harm and suicide. I didn’t follow through, but I was in a dark place”. My heart stopped. I could not believe sitting next to my beautiful friend that these words were coming out of her mouth. I felt like I was being punched in the gut and wanted to vomit all simultaneously. This strong, brave, incredible woman had reached her breaking point. I just wanted to hold her and remind her that there are so many options and ways to seek help I just wanted to cry. I still want to cry just writing this.

Gaslighting was something I didn’t know ANYTHING about until about 4 months into my therapy experience and I think this is something that we as a society need to do a way better job of educating our young women about. Here’s the low down according to dictionary.com. Gaslighting means you “manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity”. Well this happened to me and I was completely blind to it at the time. I went into such a deep depression that I had completely lost myself which if you have followed me over the last 18 months you know all about.

Quarantine sucks straight up sucks.

It's fricken hard. So I'm going to tell you something that I am sure you've heard, but I am going to tell you again. IT SUCKS FOR EVERYONE. IT IS NOT JUST YOU. So quit your pity party and try to make the best of it. It's all we can do at this point.

New beginnings are tough… even though Chad and I have been together almost a year, as of late my anxiety has been in full force. With all of the stress, uncertainty and fear that comes with COVID-19 I have been struggling. Struggle is not a good thing. It’s hard. It’s not pretty. It’s ugly. It makes me shut down. Completely. It feels like we are just starting to date all over again. There are days where I barely know myself let alone understand how I feel. It’s like this situation has made me a different person. Someone who is on the verge of tears at any given moment. Someone who gets worried with a slight change in plan. Someone who even more so thrives on routine and normalcy. Why? I have no clue.

I am going to give it to you straight. This weekend we were supposed to be in Two Harbors galavanting through the woods on an adventure just the two of us. Was I looking forward to it? You have no idea. It was a light. Something for me to look forward to for the last 3 months since I booked it. It was an escape. A weekend where I didn’t have to worry about work or home or anything. I could be free.

Most of us would spend time planning a date for a significant other. But you probably haven’t dated the most important person — Yourself.

Here’s a simple list of ways to “date” yourself. My goal for the year was to take one night a week to myself. In reality it typically isn’t an evening, but maybe a Sunday morning or evening where I just get to be myself and do what I want to do.

So sorry for the hiatus the last couple of weeks. My world has been going a million miles a minute and I just needed to take a beat and disconnect, but I'm back!

This week at work I had a woman interrupt my sales pitch and say "I'm sorry, but I just have to tell you...you're so beautiful". I have to say at first I thought this old, purple trench coat wearing, short silver hair, dark heavy rimmed glasses dawning woman was out of her mind. I didn't feel great in the outfit I was wearing, I hadn't taken an extra 5 minutes to straighten my hair just right.

I honestly didn't know what to think. And then she continued, "your skin is impeccable, your eyes are so bright, and your smile... well... it's second to none". I responded with a simple "wow, thank you, you just made my day"! She was so kind and she simply said, "So many young women don't realize or hear nearly enough how wonderfully unique and beautiful you are."

Let me tell you I heard what she said and it's been in my mind ever since.